Saturday Musings

I am enjoying a cup of home made Yogi Tea.  The original recipe given to us by Yogi Bhajan of Yogi Tea fame.  And I am enjoying a gluten-free cookie with my tea.  It feels very cozy and nurturing to be enjoying this after another fantastic and healthy lunch.  Honestly, I am not sure that I have ever eaten so well as this past week.  And really it has not been too hard to do that.  Mind you, I have only really made one dietary change and several others are in the queue waiting to be implemented.

So, things I notice:

•  I notice that I feel calmer and less frenetic, less anxious and more 'laid back'.  Thus, I seem to be able to attend to the things I need to do with a calm spirit and that helps and allows me to be more present with my students and their work.  I am not sure if the gluten sensitivity extends to psychological/ emotional areas.  My book does not mention this but it stands to reason that emotional states could accompany intolerances.
• I notice that the joints in my hands are less painful.  They are still painful, but less so.
• I generally feel 'lighter' less weighed down by physical issues.
• I seem to be less 'swollen' around my face.
• I notice that my nose runs whenever I have dairy products.  Somehow that escaped my notice before.

Last week, I finally had an appointment with an intuitive healer named Jai Hari Kaur from Bend, OR.  She and I have 'known of' one another for several years but never have had the opportunity to connect.  She has always been highly recommended by everyone who knows her and so I finally gave her a call to ask for her assistance on this healing path.

The first thing she did was to get in my face about my work habits.  She said that my attitude toward work was the source of all of my health problems.  The degree of my denial, reaction and resistance to her statements lead me to believe that there is likely more than a small degree of truth in that.  She submitted that the sense of responsibility I feel to my work life is so intense that I actually have no life.  Truth hurts.

Being a Feminist, I am really aware of environments and their impact upon people and their actions: conscious and unconscious.  On Thursday, I was walking down the hall and ran into two of my women colleagues...both are incredibly beautiful both inside and out and we were all commenting on how tired we all felt.  Each of us looked pale and exhausted.  We all began by blaming the weather, the cold, the eternal snow and each of us longed for the sunlight and warmth of southern climes.  And then we scuttled onward into our offices to work some more.

We live in a culture of overwork;  where doing what is expected is not enough.  REALLY what is expected is that you give consistently well above what is required in your job. So I wonder, is it just the women who are overworked?  I don't really see my male colleagues 'scurrying'.  My director seems 'over-the-top' with his work.  This week on my healing path, besides making these changes, I have been reflecting on life-habits and environments that impact health and healing.

In my own life, I remember looking up to my exemplars and mentors- admiring how busy they were.  In my mind, 'busy-ness' equated with success and with being 'necessary'.  Just coming out of a divorce and the loss of my father in 1986, I was looking for meaningful work and a way to fill two very large holes in my life.  My assumptive world tilted abruptly.  So, I busied myself with learning about music therapy and worked hard to become a good therapist.  In focusing on others, I could leave my own body and my own emotions on the shelf for a while.  Others always were more important than myself and now I could get a lot of validation for this through my profession.

In my field, it is important to do your own work so as to become aware of issues that may impact your work with others.  And I have always known this to be true about myself.  When I get burned out, I clear my plate...gradually it fills again and I become ill again...and it cycles in this way.  Well, I do not know how to make it any different.  This is a part of the path that is mysterious and unknown.  Maybe recognizing my own predisposition and the environmental validation for it is enough to facilitate a change...as insight develops, the environment cannot help but shift to accommodate that insight.

This morning, I was walking from my car to the Student Center on campus.  I had agreed to represent our department in the graduate school new student fair for two hours this morning.  When my director asks you to do something, you do it.  And really, two hours out of my life is no big deal- I just sat there and smiled and greeted people. Not terribly taxing.  But as I was walking into the student center, pulling my box on wheels with all of the literature for the event, I reflected that if someone were to write my eulogy I could seriously hear someone say," Terra never said 'no' to anything or anyone".  And I could imagine that many people would see that as a good thing- something to be admired.  And I felt that epitaph sourly.  There are plenty of things that I DO need to say no to- even though this morning was a good use of my time, was pleasurable and likely the only social contact I will have all weekend.  But what about all the extras that I am asked to do that I really would NOT like to do. Things that by rights are the responsibility of others.  These things take time away from an already overwhelmed workload.

How do I balance care for myself with 'being there' for students?  And how and where did this all begin for me?  I think that this is very important work for anyone on a healing path and I will be journaling on this topic further.  Healing is more than being about food and supplements...it is also about changing the environment in which the problems grew and thrived.

Love,
Terra

Jamie Fraser's Parritch

I have tried two new gluten-free food products so far this week.  One is OK and the other is splendid.

Have you read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon?  Well, I have decided that Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Steel Cut Oats is not your mother's oatmeal...it is Jamie Fraser's Parritch!  It has been a long time since I have been this enthusiastic over a whole grain! This oatmeal won the Golden Spurtle World Porridge Making Championship held every year in Scotland.  It is the only 'non-scottish' oatmeal to have taken the grand prize.  With good reason!  To my taste, it is creamy, hearty, warming, filling and just the right combination of sweet and savory (when you make it according to my recipe).  Even though you have to wait 20 minutes for it to cook- trust me, it is worth the wait.

I live alone, and thus had to divide the recipe on the package by 4 to create a reasonable portion size for 1.
3/4 C filtered water
A bit of good salt in the water

Boil the water
Add 1/4 C of Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats
Bring to a boil, stirring
Reduce the heat to a slow simmer
Put the lid on and set the timer for 20 minutes

Every 5 minutes or so, take off the lid and stir the porridge
When there is about 4 minutes to go on the timer, drop in a small handful of organic, raw walnuts and a small handful of raisins, a bit of milk (or non-dairy milk substitute) and a squirt of organic blue agave nectar to taste.
When the timer goes off, stir again until creamy and serve.  I drop a few frozen organic boreal blueberries on top and let them thaw in the oatmeal, I don't stir anymore or it will turn purple.

This makes for a heavenly breakfast.  It is gluten free, the walnuts offer a little extra protein (the parritch alone contains 7 gm of protein) and very satisfying.  Honestly, much more so than a bagel.  And I get a little thrill out of imagining myself on the Scottish Highlands with Jamie and Claire enjoying 'parritch' by an open fire.

Portlanders will know that Bob's Red Mill factory and store are in the Portland suburb of Milwaukie.  I probably spelled that wrong, but you know what I mean.  If you make it, let me know how you like it.

The other product I tried was frozen brown rice bread.  This bread is pretty much what one imagines gluten-free bread to taste like.  Dry, powdery, bland, tough.  But it does make one feel like one is eating an actual sandwich.  And because the 'bread' takes so long to chew, one fills up on it pretty easily. It looks a little like whole wheat bread, which is psychologically comforting.  Since I LIKE having sandwiches for lunch, this works well for me. And I guess NOT loving the bread works well for me too, as I am not too keen to binge on it.

It has been 5 days gluten-free (with small cheats) and I am feeling better.  I notice that my hands are not as swollen.  The eczema on my eyelids has decreased and I just generally feel better.  I am still quite fatigued but my face isn't grey any longer and that is a relief to me to see some color coming back into my skin.

I have had some thoughts about various things- again, simply by paying attention.  This healing path has brought quite a few things to my attention and eventually I will write about some of them as I process them further.  In the meanwhile, I am grateful for the kind words- both here in the comments section and the words people have said to me personally through phone calls and email.  My sister had some very interesting and insightful thoughts, but was unable to get them onto the comment section.  I am sorry for that.  And Beth, I have been on a D-3 supplement along with others for some time now.  My new DO has got me taking quite a bit of it and I also notice that it is helpful.  Especially for those of us who live in low-light climates.

So, I hope that you enjoy your Parritch and let me know what you think!

Love,
Terra

Late Starter

I guess that I am a late starter.  I have struggled with health-related issues since I was a baby.  Some of my earliest memories are centered around being ill.  Having chest infections, being in the children's hospital through multiple admissions and being physically unfit and unable to run very far while really enjoying sports.  As a teen, there were the stomach pains and repeated mysterious infections and illnesses...and most of my doctors felt that my illnesses had a psychosocial basis.  I struggled through disordered eating as a teen.

I lived the same way most young people live and I am lucky to be alive.  Drinking, smoking, carousing, placing myself in outrageously dangerous situations.  I can only say that I must have had some very compassionate angels on my side.

At the age of 30 I relapsed badly into my eating disorder and was hospitalized- it was a very pivotal time for me as I began a healing practice that has truly endured- and that is meditation.  It was truly a healer.  Through meditation, I did come to face certain issues in my life and made really important decisions about my life and my life path.  I changed careers to a wonderful and healing work that had also endured for me...and 24 years later, I lovingly teach and mentor others in my field.  I use the word 'love' very mindfully, because it seems to be a feature of what is generated in my work- whether it is with students or clients...and I guess that love is the ultimate healer.  What seems more difficult is finding out just how to turn that kind of healing inward- in a way that does not feel narcissistic or diminishing of the needs of others.  It is such a flow- to love self and others in a balanced way.

As an adult, I have been diagnosed with a range of serious illnesses.  I am the queen of auto-immune disorders.  Diagnosed with Lupus in the early 90's, Fibromyalgia in the late 90's, Osteoarthritis, Cancer, Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Cardiac Arrhythmias, Infertility, Migraines, Allergies.  It is a revolting litany of ailments and all underscoring the fact that I seem to be in a systems failure.  With every diagnosis, I have rejected the notion of identifying with illness.  It may be a variation of denial, but for me it has always seemed important to not identify with the constructs that the doctors used to understand what was going on in my body.  That being said, as the conditions became more and more life threatening, I did need to admit the need for treatment.  So for the past several years, I have been on a variety of pharmaceuticals, as well as lifestyle modifications.

When I moved to Michigan in the summer of last year, I decided to seek out a new physician who was trained and interested in natural/ integrative approaches to health.  I wanted to find a way to reduce my need for some of these medications through natural methods.  I tried a switch to non-synthetic thyroid medication and that seems to have been ineffective...the past month has been a real struggle in terms of energy...and a number of old symptoms have crept back into my awareness- joint pain, fatigue, skin problems, etc.  Very lupus-like.

In my last visit with my D.O., she suggested to me that my symptoms are consistent with Gluten intolerance.  Oh Crap! I love bread and wheat.  The thought of releasing that from my life is not a happy one.  I bought Shari Lieberman's book The Gluten Connection on Friday night. It is a good book if you want to understand how the mechanisms of Gluten Intolerance work.  This past weekend, I spent one day plus a night gluten free and on the second day, allowed myself one gluten meal.

Paying attention to a thing is such a powerful practice.  I realized that I never really paid attention to how foods made me feel physically.  I ate to address being hungry.  I ate to address being anxious.  I ate to self-soothe.  I restricted food to control myself or to be angry with myself...but I never have paid attention to how the food I ate made me feel physically (other than to loathe it).  So it was a very interesting experience to notice feeling WORSE after my gluten meal- after around 42 hours of being gluten-free.

So, I am a late starter.  I have a litany of chronic illnesses. And I am trying to step onto a healing path.  I envision this blog as a partner on that path, and anyone who reads it, as partner-travelers.  I'm a crazy busy person, but I view this reflection time as another investment in myself and in my own health.  I am stepping on the path, not knowing where it will lead or what it will take to walk it.  And I am hopeful for the grace to continue on it courageously, for it will take courage for me.  Of that I am certain.  Even the small changes take tremendous courage.  Thanks for reading.  The healing is in the writing.
Love, Terra