Saturday Musings

I am enjoying a cup of home made Yogi Tea.  The original recipe given to us by Yogi Bhajan of Yogi Tea fame.  And I am enjoying a gluten-free cookie with my tea.  It feels very cozy and nurturing to be enjoying this after another fantastic and healthy lunch.  Honestly, I am not sure that I have ever eaten so well as this past week.  And really it has not been too hard to do that.  Mind you, I have only really made one dietary change and several others are in the queue waiting to be implemented.

So, things I notice:

•  I notice that I feel calmer and less frenetic, less anxious and more 'laid back'.  Thus, I seem to be able to attend to the things I need to do with a calm spirit and that helps and allows me to be more present with my students and their work.  I am not sure if the gluten sensitivity extends to psychological/ emotional areas.  My book does not mention this but it stands to reason that emotional states could accompany intolerances.
• I notice that the joints in my hands are less painful.  They are still painful, but less so.
• I generally feel 'lighter' less weighed down by physical issues.
• I seem to be less 'swollen' around my face.
• I notice that my nose runs whenever I have dairy products.  Somehow that escaped my notice before.

Last week, I finally had an appointment with an intuitive healer named Jai Hari Kaur from Bend, OR.  She and I have 'known of' one another for several years but never have had the opportunity to connect.  She has always been highly recommended by everyone who knows her and so I finally gave her a call to ask for her assistance on this healing path.

The first thing she did was to get in my face about my work habits.  She said that my attitude toward work was the source of all of my health problems.  The degree of my denial, reaction and resistance to her statements lead me to believe that there is likely more than a small degree of truth in that.  She submitted that the sense of responsibility I feel to my work life is so intense that I actually have no life.  Truth hurts.

Being a Feminist, I am really aware of environments and their impact upon people and their actions: conscious and unconscious.  On Thursday, I was walking down the hall and ran into two of my women colleagues...both are incredibly beautiful both inside and out and we were all commenting on how tired we all felt.  Each of us looked pale and exhausted.  We all began by blaming the weather, the cold, the eternal snow and each of us longed for the sunlight and warmth of southern climes.  And then we scuttled onward into our offices to work some more.

We live in a culture of overwork;  where doing what is expected is not enough.  REALLY what is expected is that you give consistently well above what is required in your job. So I wonder, is it just the women who are overworked?  I don't really see my male colleagues 'scurrying'.  My director seems 'over-the-top' with his work.  This week on my healing path, besides making these changes, I have been reflecting on life-habits and environments that impact health and healing.

In my own life, I remember looking up to my exemplars and mentors- admiring how busy they were.  In my mind, 'busy-ness' equated with success and with being 'necessary'.  Just coming out of a divorce and the loss of my father in 1986, I was looking for meaningful work and a way to fill two very large holes in my life.  My assumptive world tilted abruptly.  So, I busied myself with learning about music therapy and worked hard to become a good therapist.  In focusing on others, I could leave my own body and my own emotions on the shelf for a while.  Others always were more important than myself and now I could get a lot of validation for this through my profession.

In my field, it is important to do your own work so as to become aware of issues that may impact your work with others.  And I have always known this to be true about myself.  When I get burned out, I clear my plate...gradually it fills again and I become ill again...and it cycles in this way.  Well, I do not know how to make it any different.  This is a part of the path that is mysterious and unknown.  Maybe recognizing my own predisposition and the environmental validation for it is enough to facilitate a change...as insight develops, the environment cannot help but shift to accommodate that insight.

This morning, I was walking from my car to the Student Center on campus.  I had agreed to represent our department in the graduate school new student fair for two hours this morning.  When my director asks you to do something, you do it.  And really, two hours out of my life is no big deal- I just sat there and smiled and greeted people. Not terribly taxing.  But as I was walking into the student center, pulling my box on wheels with all of the literature for the event, I reflected that if someone were to write my eulogy I could seriously hear someone say," Terra never said 'no' to anything or anyone".  And I could imagine that many people would see that as a good thing- something to be admired.  And I felt that epitaph sourly.  There are plenty of things that I DO need to say no to- even though this morning was a good use of my time, was pleasurable and likely the only social contact I will have all weekend.  But what about all the extras that I am asked to do that I really would NOT like to do. Things that by rights are the responsibility of others.  These things take time away from an already overwhelmed workload.

How do I balance care for myself with 'being there' for students?  And how and where did this all begin for me?  I think that this is very important work for anyone on a healing path and I will be journaling on this topic further.  Healing is more than being about food and supplements...it is also about changing the environment in which the problems grew and thrived.

Love,
Terra