Late Starter

I guess that I am a late starter.  I have struggled with health-related issues since I was a baby.  Some of my earliest memories are centered around being ill.  Having chest infections, being in the children's hospital through multiple admissions and being physically unfit and unable to run very far while really enjoying sports.  As a teen, there were the stomach pains and repeated mysterious infections and illnesses...and most of my doctors felt that my illnesses had a psychosocial basis.  I struggled through disordered eating as a teen.

I lived the same way most young people live and I am lucky to be alive.  Drinking, smoking, carousing, placing myself in outrageously dangerous situations.  I can only say that I must have had some very compassionate angels on my side.

At the age of 30 I relapsed badly into my eating disorder and was hospitalized- it was a very pivotal time for me as I began a healing practice that has truly endured- and that is meditation.  It was truly a healer.  Through meditation, I did come to face certain issues in my life and made really important decisions about my life and my life path.  I changed careers to a wonderful and healing work that had also endured for me...and 24 years later, I lovingly teach and mentor others in my field.  I use the word 'love' very mindfully, because it seems to be a feature of what is generated in my work- whether it is with students or clients...and I guess that love is the ultimate healer.  What seems more difficult is finding out just how to turn that kind of healing inward- in a way that does not feel narcissistic or diminishing of the needs of others.  It is such a flow- to love self and others in a balanced way.

As an adult, I have been diagnosed with a range of serious illnesses.  I am the queen of auto-immune disorders.  Diagnosed with Lupus in the early 90's, Fibromyalgia in the late 90's, Osteoarthritis, Cancer, Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Cardiac Arrhythmias, Infertility, Migraines, Allergies.  It is a revolting litany of ailments and all underscoring the fact that I seem to be in a systems failure.  With every diagnosis, I have rejected the notion of identifying with illness.  It may be a variation of denial, but for me it has always seemed important to not identify with the constructs that the doctors used to understand what was going on in my body.  That being said, as the conditions became more and more life threatening, I did need to admit the need for treatment.  So for the past several years, I have been on a variety of pharmaceuticals, as well as lifestyle modifications.

When I moved to Michigan in the summer of last year, I decided to seek out a new physician who was trained and interested in natural/ integrative approaches to health.  I wanted to find a way to reduce my need for some of these medications through natural methods.  I tried a switch to non-synthetic thyroid medication and that seems to have been ineffective...the past month has been a real struggle in terms of energy...and a number of old symptoms have crept back into my awareness- joint pain, fatigue, skin problems, etc.  Very lupus-like.

In my last visit with my D.O., she suggested to me that my symptoms are consistent with Gluten intolerance.  Oh Crap! I love bread and wheat.  The thought of releasing that from my life is not a happy one.  I bought Shari Lieberman's book The Gluten Connection on Friday night. It is a good book if you want to understand how the mechanisms of Gluten Intolerance work.  This past weekend, I spent one day plus a night gluten free and on the second day, allowed myself one gluten meal.

Paying attention to a thing is such a powerful practice.  I realized that I never really paid attention to how foods made me feel physically.  I ate to address being hungry.  I ate to address being anxious.  I ate to self-soothe.  I restricted food to control myself or to be angry with myself...but I never have paid attention to how the food I ate made me feel physically (other than to loathe it).  So it was a very interesting experience to notice feeling WORSE after my gluten meal- after around 42 hours of being gluten-free.

So, I am a late starter.  I have a litany of chronic illnesses. And I am trying to step onto a healing path.  I envision this blog as a partner on that path, and anyone who reads it, as partner-travelers.  I'm a crazy busy person, but I view this reflection time as another investment in myself and in my own health.  I am stepping on the path, not knowing where it will lead or what it will take to walk it.  And I am hopeful for the grace to continue on it courageously, for it will take courage for me.  Of that I am certain.  Even the small changes take tremendous courage.  Thanks for reading.  The healing is in the writing.
Love, Terra