From the other side of Grief

     It has been almost 4 months since my last blog post. I see that I last posted on March 13.  On March 19, my dear older brother Chuck died suddenly of a cardiac and respiratory arrest in his workshop at home in Klamath Falls, Oregon (Just 2.5 weeks after my dear friend and mentor Linda Keiser Mardis passed away after a short and unexpected illness). When my sister in law and sister finally phoned me many hours after the event, my soul was completely crushed.  I cannot begin to describe the pain, fierce denial, and panic that I experienced in those moments of taking in this horrible news.  People who write about grief and loss talk about a kind of numbness that overcomes one as the psyche tries to adjust to the image of the loved one being gone irrevocably.  That is true.  I could barely speak, and yet I felt the need to connect in those early moments.  I reached out on Skype to people I knew were in and just tried to have some human contact as I attempted to absorb this news.  I think that is a woman's way to begin healing as immediately as possible- to reach out to community.  It was interesting to me that my younger brothers did not reach out to me in those moments, in spite of their knowing about Chuck's death earlier than I.  My youngest brother Jerry was speaking at some affair, and I have no idea how he managed to go on with that commitment only moments after learning that a beloved sibling had passed away.  I am not sure where my middle brother was or what he did, but it was the women in our family who attempted to make connections.

     Being with family was important in the 10 days after that.  I sat with my brother's body in the funeral home for close to two hours during a private viewing.  Seeing him there in his casket was an important part of my absorbing and coming to terms with his death. He was not made up, there was still paint on his fingers from his final woodworking project.  That gave me comfort- that visible sign of his identity- of Chuck working in his shop.

     All of the members of the family dealt with their pain in different ways.  I tried to take care of people, and I cooked and cleaned.  I also tried to stay connected with my sister in law's very large tribe of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, friends and lovers without being 'in the way'.

     I felt very proprietary about my brother and his life and his things.  Being with his belongings was important to me as well...these little performances of his values, interests and identity.  His things told me that he had been there in his larger -than-life way.  I was proprietary about him because I had loved him the longest of anyone.  My brother was 14 when I was born, and he was a 'big brother' in every sense of the word.  I believe that he was a part of my learning about unconditional love. I can easily say that we adored one another, enjoyed being together, and were confidants even into the final year of his life.  Yet, being who he was to me was only a part of who he was.  He was also a husband, father, grandfather and great-grandfather to a large group of people who also felt proprietary rights to him.  That letting go- the process of letting him go to his greater identity after death was really difficult for me.

     You called him a Poet.  Yes, he was a poet, and where were you when he wrote his first poem?  I was there- I read it... we wrote poetry together, he and I.  He is known as a photographer. Yes, he was an artist photographer, and were you there when he bought his first camera at a pawn shop?  I was.  I was the subject of many of his first portraits.  Did you know that he was a cartoonist when he was a teenager?  I knew that.  That practice dropped away when he went into the Marines and went to fight a pointless war in Vietnam.  When he came home damaged and ill, were you there to call him 'Chuckie' and remind him of his soul?  I was.  And it was I who sat with him through PTSD night terrors brought on by exposure to Agent Orange- an herbicide that the US government exposed their military to while they attempted to defoliate Vietnam.

     So, I put a lock of my hair in his breast pocket- allowing a piece of myself to go with him back into the earth.  And I put together music- a playlist of my experience of my brother's life- for the comfort of all; and it comforts me too.

     Grief and sudden loss in particular is extremely toxic to the body.  It is not that grief is unusual for humans, but it causes us to secrete stress hormones in abundance- we do that from the panic and fear of abandonment, of the world being different without the loved one.  And I was no exception.  The rituals that we have constructed to express and perform our grief are essential to allowing the flow of our emotions.  I have recently learned that it is emotional shock, panic, anxiety, grief...these emotional/psychological states that actually cause the fascia in our bodies to harden and tighten up like concrete.  The fascia is like a webbing that wraps itself around organs and muscles and bones and figuratively become rigid and concrete like causing pain, immobility, inflammation and dysfunction.  Is it any wonder that I became severely ill upon returning after my brother's funeral- that it took me 6 weeks to clear the bug, and that I continue to be left with pain, immobility, inflammation and dysfunction?

     I have learned that inflammation is linked to diet.  My efforts to eliminate Gluten from my diet took a backslide while in Oregon and then back home.  I introduced sprouted grain (flourless) bread instead, but still pain remains a feature in my life.  With the season's changes and the return of the high heat and humidity to Michigan, I am not drawn to grains of any kind and in eliminating them again, find some positive changes.  Still, the body is struggling.

     What has been easy to reconnect to is my daily spiritual practice- Yoga and meditation twice a day- upon rising and prior to sleep.  The gentle yoga really helps stretch out and separate the muscles.  Eating clean and organic (I have discovered) is very expensive.  My food bill has doubled at the minimum.  I drink only water with a little lemon now- still I notice Ama as I continue to gently detoxify.  And I am having body work once a week.  It is not your relaxing massage- that is for sure!  Rather, it is deep tissue stretching and loosening and thus it is quite painful, yet I leave those sessions feeling loose and touched.

     So, my healing path continues.  And I am exploring some new products too!  Coconut oil for one- which is supposed to be one of the most powerful allies in the elimination of inflammation.  I will try to share some recipes and if you, kind reader, know of any recipes for its use, I would very much appreciate knowing them.

     More thoughts later- about meditation, compassion and intention.
In peace
Terra

Community and Healing

I have been struggling with motivation to sustain my path lately.  It is the thing that always turns me away.  Too busy to cook proper meals, too tired to exercise, too tired to do proper shopping so instead buy quick sandwiches full of gluten- or a slice of Pizza with the double-whammy of gluten and dairy.  So no wonder I feel tired and overwhelmed, forgetful, scattered.  That is the outcome of eating the foods that I am sensitive to.  Not to mention a return of the dreaded eczema.

So, how do people maintain focus and commitment to a program of this nature?  I obviously don't have the answer, but I have a feeling that community has something to do with it...along with a strong will.  And maybe community is important to me because I am a woman and a collectivist by nature.  In my interview with my brother, he talked about his motivation to stay focused came from wanting to avoid the same kind of suffering that our parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings have experienced with diabetes.  That is pretty strong motivation.  That seemed to be enough for him...that and the fact that getting well is inherently motivating...feeling good makes you want to keep going.

Yesterday, I had a really fulfilling day in community.  I was engaging my music therapy community in an exploration of themes related to forming a master of music therapy degree program.  I found that experience incredibly motivating.  Buoyed up by the enthusiasm of my colleagues, I felt my own enthusiasm and energy rising and focusing as I began to visualize an outcome.  I then went out to lunch with friends who are also committed to a healing path in terms of whole foods and supplements.  Again, it felt very supportive to me to share thoughts and ideas concerning theories, products, foods etc.  and I came away from that experience with renewed energy for my journey.

Isolation is a real barrier to success on any path, but especially when one is trying to change long-standing habits while embracing new behaviors, thoughts and self-affirmations.  Buddhism recognizes the fine balance between being on an individual path and also the benefit of being in a group of like minded people.  When we say our refuge prayer, we meditate on the meaning of the word 'refuge' and we take 'refuge' in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha.  The Sangha is the community of like-minded individuals.  Within community, I think that we can take refuge in the reality that there are others going through the same things we are, we can relax into that and give and receive support.

Meanwhile, there is devastating impact as Japan struggles to survive a cataclysmic earthquake, resultant Tsunami and massive damage.  I am moved to take up my role as healer and remain in compassionate meditation- but also to act through offering support to the aid agencies who are even now rushing to Japan to assist.  We are indeed one organism on this planet.

In love and compassion
Terra

Interview with Jerry Merrill

One of my heroes in life is my brother Jerry.  He is an incredibly gifted musician, composer, arranger and producer.  He is actually gifted at pretty much everything he does.  If you have ever had the opportunity to read any of his writing, you would also recognize him as being articulate and erudite.  One of the personal qualities that I admire most in my brother is his ability to listen and his compassionate heart.  He is a fantastic friend.  Unfortunately, he is made up of the same genetic material that the rest of our family is and was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes at a young age.  Over the past 10 months or so, we have all witnessed Jerry's single-minded focus on his health and he has made some amazing progress.


I asked Jerry if I could interview him for this blog and he agreed.  Now, I want to say that in no way should our conversation be construed as giving medical advice.  The choices he made for his health were his own and my purpose in sharing this conversation is purely inspirational.  Here we go...

TM: How old were you when you were diagnosed with Diabetes? From where you are now, what factors do you think contributed to your diagnosis?

JM: I was diagnosed with Diabetes Mellitus in the summer of 2000 - I was 35. At that time my blood sugars were over 200 about 2 hours after lunch.

Poor eating habits and lifestyle were the two elective contributors to the diagnosis. Of course DNA predisposition was a contributor, but as I say, not elective.

As a music producer I spend most of my life sitting down, using computers and software to create in the studio. Doing such fun work for 12-14 hours a day hardly inspired me to be physically active, hence the sedentary lifestyle. Compound that with very poor eating habits, including a dependency upon coffee and soft drinks such as Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper for caffeine and sugar, and that eventuality is really not hard to fathom.

TM: You began your own healing path with dietary changes that you learned about from Dr. Neal Barnard (featured in the film "Supersize Me"). Can you say something about the process you went through in transitioning from a 'typical' 'foodie' to becoming Vegan for your health? Did you experience withdrawal or detoxification symptoms at that time, and what strategies did you use through that transition?

JM: I did not know Dr. Barnard was featured in "Supersize Me." I'm going to go back and watch that film again, now. I saw Dr. Barnard on a PBS special, in which he discussed the diabetes studies he and his team performed that suggested a cure for a predominantly large percentage of the type II cases could be achieved by diet and moderate exercise alone. He explained the reasons why a vegan diet was the most effective at reducing body fat, and therefore reducing insulin resistance.

I already knew that hormones of all kinds have a very difficult time functioning in a body system with too much fat, so this was a message that made perfect sense to me. So I made a plan - this cannot be over-emphasized - I MADE A PLAN to ease into being a vegan, with a PLANNED goal, timetable, and a methodology to gently return to a less strict diet once my goal had been achieved.

The first two weeks are the hardest, so part of my plan was to gradually wean myself of meat slowly. Beef I could quit cold turkey from day one. Chicken I gradually tapered over two weeks, and fish over three.

The end of week two was horribly hard. I joked that "I want to go into my backyard, kill something and eat it" but that was not far from the truth. Interestingly enough, holding out against those urges for only a few days - or passifying them with soy protein shakes - yielded a feeling of euphoria. Entering into my third week I felt like superman. Lots of energy, focus of mind, and my weight had begun to fall off.

There were times when I had to promise to myself over and over "Jerry, when we reach our goal weight, we are going to go to the steakhouse and get the nicest, juciest filet mignon on the menu..." It worked. Envisioning what was going to happen at the end of this cycle kept me focused upon getting through the moment.

TM:  Did you experience any untoward reactions or detoxifying effects from removing dairy and meat from your diet? What did you use for protein?

Knowing you to be a 'foodie' it is hard to imagine you eating anything mundane. What became your favorite food at that time? What surprised you about making your dietary changes at that time?

Did you ever consider going gluten-free as well?

JM: Throughout the process, as I was dropping fat, my digestive tract suffered many ups and downs. As the fat was burning off, it would release toxins and hormones. The bad stuff would get flushed by my liver and kidneys, and the good hormones began to take effect. Insulin resistance went down along with BGLs  (Blood Glucose Levels), and my Testosterone and Thyroid improved, lightening my mood and improving my energy.

I used I3C, Chrysin and Saw Palmetto supplements to curb the production of DHT and Estradiol from my new-found Testosterone. That helped a lot to stabilize mood.

Enjoying the kitchen as I do, it was an opportunity to find some new exotic dishes. Eggplant became a common main dish, but served in wild ways. One night I combined a spicy puttanesca sauce with Tahini, and poured it over an eggplant stuffed with a soy-based ground-meat substitute, herbs, and chopped veggies and portabella mushrooms. It was really awesome.

The type of diet Dr. Barnard prescribes is also low-gluten, or 'No wheat if you can help it' kind of diet. When you take a vegan diet, add 'no wheat' and 'no sugar' and 'low fat' it starts to get pretty tough to find things. But it can be done. Ironically, mexican food starts to look pretty good - Legumes and rice. Legumes, Legumes, Legumes. Low glycemic, high in fiber and good protein.

TM: Can you explain more about the hormones you mention? Specifically DHT and Estradiol? Why were you more 'aware' of your testosterone during this part of your healing diet?

Overall, would you recommend the Dr. Barnard diet to people with Type 2 Diabetes? What words of wisdom do you have for people with diabetes who want to heal themselves?

JM: I would recommend the Barnard Diet - Highly - for type II diabetes, along with a moderate exercise regimen. In the 4 months I was on the strict Barnard diet, I lost 25 pounds. My BGLs dropped sufficiently to reduce my meds. In fact, I was taking 2 grams of Metformin and 40 mg of Actos - 5 pills - per day, as well as a statin drug to combat the increased bad cholesterol associated with hyperglycemia. I was able to quit Actos and the statin drug completely, and was down to 500 mg of Metformin in the morning alone. That's 6 pills down to one per day, and my BGLs were 90 - 135.

TM:  Will you say more about the hormone connection? 

JM: Hormone balance is really important. What we don't know about these disorders fills volumes, and diabetes mellitus is specifically a hormone resistance issue. Many who suffer type II diabetes also eventually develop other hormone issues, such as hypothyroid and sex hormone deficiencies.

The hormone system is a huge web of interconnecting systems, with resonances and hysteresis, all inter-dependent. This came into a specific relief when I went to an endocrinologist to get advice regarding my lack of energy, and mood swings.

I began treatment for low testosterone, low thyroid, and soon will start growth hormone supplementation. The treatment for low testosterone included doses of Gonadotropin, an important hormone in both men and women. Almost immediately upon beginning the therapy my blood sugars dropped another 15%. Another indicator of the interdependency of the hormone system.

The big deal is mood, focus, energy. When these are not stable and dependable, one's quality of life is badly impeded. Often this is due to yet another soft-tissue resistance to our own hormones, directly attributable to fat. Almost all of our hormones are fat-soluable. Lose the fat, and deep stores of these hormones will come back. They will be able to function better.

Which brings me to the natural quest for testosterone. DHEA is a pre-cursor to testosterone. Gonadotropin in males is a 'signaling' hormone which causes the testes to generate more testosterone. So when we found that my T levels had crashed, we began the HCG [Human Chorionic Gonadotropin] & DHEA supplementation.

Now for some additional data. As we get older, certain enzymes become more active in our bodies. In this case, we're talking about Aromatase and 5-Alpha Reductase. These enzymes 'attack' the Testosterone molecule and break it down, into DHT [Dihydrotestosterone] and Estradiol [Estrogen.] DHT does some pretty bad stuff, like contribute to prostate cancer and increase male pattern baldness. And Estradiol essentially gives men mood swings, breaks our concentration, and reduces our daily energy.

So any supplementation to increase testosterone levels MUST be accompanied by something to block the aforementioned enzymes, otherwise the increased production of T will simply increase the negative effects of DHT and Estradiol!

We do this with natural supplements such as Chrysin, I3C, and Saw Palmetto.

That's really the science behind 3 extra supplements I take per day. The result - a dramatic increase of my testosterone levels, a reduction of estradiol, which pulled on the web of my hormones sufficiently to cause another drop in blood sugar.

But the BIG success story is the change in my mood, energy & focus. Mostly the stability has become something I can depend upon. The drop in BGL has been amazing.

Which brings me back to the detox. When I entered the detox, I had picked 7 pounds back up from the holidays, so I was anxious to get to exercise. I figured the detox was going to push me over the edge to being cured of Diabetes. It absolutely did - for about 2 weeks.

TM:  Great Segue (LOL)-  So tell us about the detox you just completed.  And note that you entered this detoxification experience AFTER achieving your goals on the Barnard diet and achieving a stabilized BGL.  It seems that you did this with medical supervision as well, which is important to know.  

JM: The scientologists refer to this program as the "Purification Rundown." The protocol is vitamins, workouts, hot saunas, applied very specifically to breakdown old fat [and subsequently old toxins stored in the fat] and flush them.

Now as with all things Scientology, there are many articles on the web about it, mostly from anti-Scientologists. I have actually now gone through the program myself, and can say that everything horrible I read on the anti-web sites was pure, unadulterated trash. The program works, it works exactly the way they said it would.

More detail about the concept: I would arrive every morning. Sufficient sleep and a hearty breakfast are required. Gradually increasing doses of Niacin are administered, sufficient to cause vaso-dilation. You immediately begin fat-burning exercise for 30 minutes. As the Niacin dilates the blood vessels in your sub-cutaneous fat, your skin becomes flushed. The added blood flow combined with fat-burning exercise carries impurities and toxins stored in your fat to your liver and kidneys for evacuation. Then after 30 minutes of exercise you jump into a 160-degree dry sauna. 20 minutes in, 8 minutes out. Cold showers to keep your core temperature down, and you must drink 4 liters of water per day. After 5 hours of sauna cycling, you get some Vitamins, Oil and Lecithin.

You do this every day without fail until you experience an "End Phenomena" - an increase in a feeling of alertness, clarity of mind, and overall well-being. And it comes. Right when they say it should, around 30 days for me.

But it is not a weight-loss protocol. Fat is exchanged, not lost. The theory is that if you simply burned off the fat, then your body would fight to retain fat. Hence the oil and lecithin at the end of the day- to provide your body with good fat so that it doesn't go into 'deficit of supply' restriction. Combined with the meals that you must eat in order to stomach the niacin and vitamins, it is very common to gain weight on the "Purif." Which I did. Another 10 pounds.

So I come to the end of my detox and diet with my BGL shooting back up [partly from the Niacin, and partly from the increase in weight.] Mind you, working out for thirty minutes per day greatly increased my muscle mass, and some of the weight can be attributed to that. And that means higher metabolism. In the 4 days since I left detox, I've lost 5 of the pounds I gained, feel fantastic, BGLs are back under control, and my mind is clear, focused, [My IQ went up 12 points - they test you before and after to show you the difference!] And my energy is top-notch.

But I have resumed a modified Barnard diet to drop the weight again. I'm still at 1 metformin per day, and my BGLs are gradually coming back down into the control I was seeing before the holidays.

I am very confident that there will come a time very soon when my weight reaches my ideal. When it does, I will be 'cured' of this disease, thanks to all the treatments I've followed. But already the quality of my life is so drastically improved that I cannot overstate it. I would go as far to say I was not even alive compared to how I feel now. I haven't felt this good since I was 17.

TM: Wow! Amazing Jer. Thank you for taking the time to share it all.

It seems like one of the differences between this purification system you went on and other detoxes has to do with the burning of old fat. Other regimens seem to work on cleansing digestive system alone. Other than the regime you mention, there were no other dietary changes?

And one last question...what do you think it was that finally triggered you to take these steps- first the Barnard diet. You have been diabetic for a long time. Why now (or then, as the case may be)?

JM: The total calorie count required to do the detox regimen - and the fact that I came off of the 'Vegan' aspect of the Barnard diet before the holidays means my diet has been modulating constantly. My doctor has been encouraging, but suggests that a more healthy diet for me is a metabolic typing diet. Generally focusing mostly upon the ratio of 20/35/45, the percentage of fats, carbs, protein that work best for me.

Now that can be combined with the Barnard diet, and for the most part, my diet focuses on vegetables. But I no longer eliminate animal proteins. Fish and shellfish are my primary sources of animal protein, 3 times a week or so, but using chicken broth instead of oil in many cooking applications, and maybe having red meat once every 3-4 weeks. This is what I meant by "modified."

My impetus for starting this regimen has to have been simply wanting to feel better and lose weight. I remember how my body feels when it's highly functional, and I wanted at least some of that back.

 TM: Well, thanks Jerry.  As your sister, I am delighted to know that you will be around for a good long time and living healthily and happily.

Additional Note from TM:  I spoke with MY doctor AND my medical intuitive about the possibility of going on a program such as the Barnard diet OR a detoxification program such as the Standard Process Cleanse (which is a much milder detox than the one that Jerry mentions in this interview).  Both of them suggest to me that for my system, it is not recommended.  I share it with you because it is important to take one's own life into consideration.  A few things to consider in my case: I am 8 years older than my brother.  I also have had many changes in my life in the past year and have what my medical intuitive calls a fragile nervous system.  Any changes to my lifestyle must be very gradual, and extreme changes are not recommended.  This is why the elimination of Gluten and Dairy as well as processed foods of all kinds are a good beginning for me.  Perhaps this summer, I can try my hand at the Barnard system...when there is lots of fresh produce in season.

I hope that you have enjoyed reading this inspirational interview with my brother.  

I have also initiated an interview with my friend Hari Rai Kaur Khalsa- who is also inspirational for her views on sustainable nutrition.

In Gratitude and 

with Love and Peace

Terra

Another week on the path

It has been a lovely week here in southeast Michigan.  The weather warmed up enough to melt a lot of the snow, though people tell me that it is only a teaser.  Still, I have had the urge to be outside and have started a bit of garden work today...mainly clean up from the winter. The grass looks beaten.  It is brown and the ground is still frozen pretty solid. My mulching experiment has done nothing so far..the cardboard has not broken down yet.

My need for green was so strong that I went out and bought a couple of houseplants and a set of small pots and herb seeds for growing indoors.

One of the loveliest things about this late winter- early spring time of year are the Cardinals.  The line up on the back fence...their red pointed heads bobbing around while they take turns at the suet feeder.

It reminds me of how I have been feeling these past few weeks on my path.  I experience the impulse to 'clean up' myself and my environment...inner and outer.  I did not have a completely successful week this past week.  I did not really cook much last weekend and that makes a huge difference in the success of my week.  I ate out quite a bit this week and while I did not get into a lot of gluten, I got into enough of it to experience some side effects from both it and from dairy.  So it seems official that I am sensitive to them both.

My ill effects included the familiar extreme drop in energy with the need to sleep following ingestion of wheat flour, and GI symptoms as well as headaches.  I tried to switch to drinking my morning coffee black but just did not enjoy it as much.

I have tried a few new products this week:  Silk soy coffee creamer, Bob's Red Mill GF pancake mix and Kinnekinnik frozen gluten-free english muffins (tapioca).  The English muffins are worth the expense (roughly $2.00 per muffin).  They are wonderful and I have no idea how they get them to be crisp and soft (not powdery).  They are so wonderful (and expensive) that they are a great product to purchase for something special or for GF company.  Really excellent.  I found them in the Natural Food section of Kroger in the frozen section.  I have also seen them at Whole Foods.

The Bob's red mill GF pancake mix is a bit of a miss for me.  There is something funny in the taste of the pancakes...anyway, it just doesn't work for me.  Plus, I experienced post prandial drowsiness after eating just 2 small ones...so they must be very high in sugars.   I am looking forward to finding a good recipe for the homemade variety if anyone knows of one.

Finally the Silk Soy coffee creamer (purchased because the Almond milk was revolting in coffee and because I was just not satisfied with black coffee) is also revolting.  It is actually sweetened with something that is just not right with coffee.  Obviously trying to simulate the natural milk sugar (lactose) it just does not make it.  So for me, I think that I would rather drink my coffee black.  Yes, the obvious is that I should stop coffee altogether.  Well, that will come but I don't think that it is good for me to restrict too much all at once.  I found going off gluten pretty simple.  Committing to organic foods has added expense to my grocery shopping. Eliminating dairy to that list has been challenging.

I am doing something a little different this week with my reflective portion.  I have decided to interview a couple of people who have made healthy changes to their lives. These are still in progress, so as soon as they are complete, I will edit and post.

I have some cooking in my future today:  I have black beans soaking to go into the crock pot over night; I am making a red and white quinoa salad that I am looking forward to, and also trying a new recipe passed onto me by a friend from the NY Times living healthy section- Beets and Spiced Quinoa.  So a couple of new things to keep things interesting.  Have a wonderful week.

Gratitude and Healing

There is a kind of miraculous thing that happens when one decides to embrace Gratitude.

First of all, if you are like me, my mind easily embraces and attaches to the negative; those things that are uncomfortable, inconvenient, troublesome and disappointing to us: having to get up and go to work when we are tired or not feeling well, our sore and aching bodies, the aging face in the bathroom mirror, the eternal winter or humid summer, the people we have loved and lost or the ways in which our lives have fallen short of our dreams.

 It is an act of the will and a discipline to mindfully let go of the sense of complaint about what is uncomfortable or painful and to purposefully move the focus toward a place of recognizing and acknowledging the blessings of life.  Put another way, perhaps acknowledging things that I have created for myself that are positive.  There is something significant in that act of turning from one choice to another.  The letting go and the turning away from one train of thought toward another.  I think that this inner movement is a sacred act and a grace.

I don't wish to advocate denying pain or burying shadow feelings that really require expression to enable full healing.  There are people in my life that are just uncomfortable with any honest expression of pain or difficulty.  These are the sorts of people that immediately counter any painful emotion with a sort of 'pack up your troubles in your old Kit bag and smile, smile, smile' attitude.  There is nothing more tedious.  The message is,"Your feelings are not OK and I don't want to hear about your discomfort- get over it".  I cannot think of a clearer path to disease than the denial and repression of one's feelings.  And I think that there is a qualitative difference between the sort of 'false front' this attitude asks for and genuine gratitude.  I think that it has to do with the act of turning.  It is a balancing act. And it is organic- an internal impulse.

Gratitude practice is a grace when one can fully experience the discomfort and choose to also hold the other things that are simultaneously present in the moment.  My work is hard, I am tired but I am also so fortunate in these times of economic crisis and high unemployment to have not only a job, but one that  is interesting, fulfilling and contributes to life.  I must live frugally in order to maintain my home and I do not live an affluent lifestyle...but I have a comfortable home, a car and really everything I need.  And the quality of what I feel as I am fully present to these things simultaneously is a genuine gratitude, not something forced like a platitude.

Observing my negative attachments and projections, I see that they proceed from things that I have no control over: the weather, other people's attitudes and behaviors, my own aging and the inevitability of entropy.   Still, even within these realities, there is much to be grateful for- these things coexist with beautiful balance, equal and connected to one another...the only difference between the two aspect of my moment is that I decide what to connect to.  And that is the power.  I can decide what to connect to and what to embrace.  I am not a slave to the bad news of the moment.

When I was in the throes of separating from my husband, I could not imagine anything more painful.  The range of emotions I experienced was dizzying.  There was a time when I was so angry with him that I just let out every angry thought, every injustice I felt I had endured and even then in the midst of this torrent, was the knowledge that it was not the whole truth.  The whole truth was that co-existing with the problems was also tremendous support and love.  They did not always live in equanimity with one another...but when I could speak from my heart and acknowledge both to myself and to him that this was also true, then the heart could open and leave space for healing in the middle of the pain.

So in the morning, I awaken on this healing path wondering what I will find to be grateful for and I often begin with the shallow.  "I'm grateful for waking up at all", I laugh...but am I?  Later on in my morning routine, I hear of a person whose life has ended tragically and I know in my heart that I AM grateful to have awakened.  That life is precious and sweet- even when I am uncomfortable in it.  It is then that I am able to be in the moments of my mundane day and that I can breathe with gratitude, drink clean water with gratitude for it, eat wholesome and healthy foods with gratitude, get into my cold car with thankfulness that I own a car and can drive to my workplace where I encounter splendid souls every moment- people making beauty in the world, people committed to healing others through their service and I get to be a part of that.

So this is where my healing path has taken me this week.  As my body cleanses of the effects of Gluten, I find myself becoming aware of things that do not agree with me.  And the cow dairy is definitely the next to go.  I ate cow cheese last night and leftovers today at lunch and was met (for the second time in two weeks) with a very rumbling stomach.  I am also dealing with a sore throat for the past couple of days.  I have viewed it as an opportunity for self-care and so have been gentle and compassionate with myself- trying to provide what I think I need- warm baths, ginger tea, naps, music.  It has been good.

With love and blessings
Terra

Rice Noodles for New Year

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year!  Thursday was the lunar New Year and it is good luck to have noodles on new year.  Being gluten free, I still wanted to have noodles but this year opted for Rice Noodles and veggies seasoned with Chinese 5 spice, sesame oil and Bragg's Aminos.  It is very satisfying and the rice noodles really do satisfy that craving for a starchy noodle.

In my last blog post, I talked about going to the Asian grocery market and what an aesthetic experience it was for me...well, this is the outcome of that inspiration.  This is a basic stir fry with broccoli, onions, carrots, snow peas, mung bean sprouts, bok choy and a fresh water chestnut sliced.  Onion, garlic and fresh gingerroot make this a wonderfully savory and warm gluten-free meal for the winter.

This is a photo of my lovely new bowl purchased at the Asian grocery.  You cannot really see the pattern on the side, but I like it a lot!  It goes well with my (admittedly) Japanese chopsticks!

Speaking of good eats, I can highly recommend Gunpowder Tea.  This green tea comes in small pearls.

The pearls 'pop' a little as they open up in the hot water...justifying the name.  This tea is really satisfying.  It is extremely high in antioxidants.  I read a study where a group of women who were being treated for breast cancer were given gunpowder tea along with a regimen of healthy foods. A second group just had the healthy foods and no gunpowder tea and a third 'control' group had neither treatment approach.  The women who also drank large amounts of the gunpowder tea had significantly lower incidents of recurrence of their cancers than both the control group and the healthy foods only group.  The critique of this study is that it was conducted with Japanese women in Japan and they live such healthy lifestyles, are minimally overweight etc., that no one could be absolutely certain that it was the gunpowder tea (highest in antioxidants of all of the green teas) that had the effect.  That would be a good study to undertake in our fast food, high stress culture.

So one of the reasons I do not usually drink a lot of green tea is that I often find it to be bitter and astringent.  I understand now that green tea should only be steeped for 1 minute.  You should only use 1 tablespoon of loose tea per 5-6 oz of water.  For tea neophytes...one pours the hot water OVER the tea leaves...scalding them.  One does not drop tea leaves or tea bags into pre-existing pots of moderately hot water.  No No No.  Boil the water, take it off the fire and for green tea, let it sit for just a few seconds until it stops its rapid boil (for English and Indian black tea, it is essential that the water be poured while boiling) and then gently pour over the leaves (use a cup with a strainer if you do not have a Chinese teapot). Enjoy while hot.

Gunpowder tea, I find, has a very mild natural sweetness to it so it needs no additives.  It is pretty important to not add things to your green tea, though I know some people who enjoy a very little lemon- I save my lemon for Earl Grey.

Well, it is snowing ferociously right now and I am happy to be enjoying a hot cup of Gunpowder Tea.

During this past week, I experimented a little with eating some gluten/flour products.  It was my natural frugality at work.  Not wanting to waste a perfectly good box of crackers, I munched on quite a few of the little buggers in the evening.  By the next morning, I had a whopping headache that lasted all day.  I think that I can safely say that my humble experiment indicates that I have made a good choice to leave Gluten products in my past and to plan a future of healthy meals without the things that make me sick!!!

Have a wonderful, healthy and safe weekend.
Love,
Terra

Feeding the Creative Spirit

It is another Saturday morning and this past week I have been exploring ways to have a bit more balance in life without sacrificing my commitments to others.

Too often, I have had reactions to people who say 'no' to life's invitations with a sort of self-righteous belligerence:
"I'm doing this for ME"... as if it is anyone else's fault that they have been giving themselves away.  A lot of times, this attitude leaves others to pick up the pieces.  It feels adolescent and self-absorbed.  I am not willing to walk my own healing path at the expense of others...but really only wanting to find a way to hold reasonable boundaries between my own needs and those of others.  The challenge is in discerning what are truly my needs as opposed to the drives that are generated by my internal scripts. core beliefs and fears.

This week in class, I was 'teaching' (reviewing more like) Psychoanalytic theory with my music therapy students and we were talking about Freud's famous construct of the personality: Id, Ego and Superego.  I recognized that my reactions to the 'selfish' self-care attitude has to do with its 'Id-like' nature and that my Superego is in charge of my life most of the time.  What if I gave Id her way some of the time?  Followed impulse rather than censored it?  Would I descend into some Bacchanalian orgy of indolence?

I allowed Id her sway yesterday afternoon and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I had an idea to take my dog for a long walk around campus.  I have often thought of doing that but then the 'shoulds' attach and I think about the time or my commitments and don't do it.  Yesterday, I did it and it was grand.  Good for us both.  I then had the craving to explore the Asian grocery in my town, and mooched around there for about 45 minutes taking in the amazing sights of really fresh vegetables, exotic packaged foods, the smells and the sounds of Chinese being spoken.  I bought some gunpowder tea pearls and some gluten-free products (rice sticks), and a lovely bowl to have soups in.  A wonderful experience.

I remember how much I enjoyed spending time at the Granville Island Public Market when I lived in Vancouver, BC.  I went there frequently- nearly every weekend to pick up fresh foods for the week.  I used to walk along the path from English Bay and into False Creek, and would then carry my groceries back in my back pack.  The sights and sounds of the artisans, the street musicians, the vendors with their fresh vegetables, meats and breads, the smells of the fresh flowers in overflowing buckets just fed my spirit and left me with feelings of extreme serenity.

I understand myself as an artist- I live and perform my life through the senses and when too much of my time is spent working with my mind in ways that marginalize my senses, I think that I become out of balance.  So something as simple as walking through an Asian grocery rekindled that in me yesterday...as did the long walk through campus with Chynna feeling the cold and the sunlight; noticing the vibrant blue sky and the blinding light of the snow.

My Id is not so Id-like after all.  Maybe the one the Ego needs to take care of is Superego!!! Well...I will have to think about that!!!

The insight for this week has to do with feeding the creative spirit with things unrelated to work...with experiences that allow my senses to take in life aesthetically.  And may I say in a way that does not feel like the sort of commitment that my superego could use to beat me over the head with!  :)  She is pretty unrelenting.  I'll explore her at some point.

I will write another post about the dietary part of my path this week.  As I wind my way meditatively  along this path, I see that it is all entwined.
Love
Terra

Saturday Musings

I am enjoying a cup of home made Yogi Tea.  The original recipe given to us by Yogi Bhajan of Yogi Tea fame.  And I am enjoying a gluten-free cookie with my tea.  It feels very cozy and nurturing to be enjoying this after another fantastic and healthy lunch.  Honestly, I am not sure that I have ever eaten so well as this past week.  And really it has not been too hard to do that.  Mind you, I have only really made one dietary change and several others are in the queue waiting to be implemented.

So, things I notice:

•  I notice that I feel calmer and less frenetic, less anxious and more 'laid back'.  Thus, I seem to be able to attend to the things I need to do with a calm spirit and that helps and allows me to be more present with my students and their work.  I am not sure if the gluten sensitivity extends to psychological/ emotional areas.  My book does not mention this but it stands to reason that emotional states could accompany intolerances.
• I notice that the joints in my hands are less painful.  They are still painful, but less so.
• I generally feel 'lighter' less weighed down by physical issues.
• I seem to be less 'swollen' around my face.
• I notice that my nose runs whenever I have dairy products.  Somehow that escaped my notice before.

Last week, I finally had an appointment with an intuitive healer named Jai Hari Kaur from Bend, OR.  She and I have 'known of' one another for several years but never have had the opportunity to connect.  She has always been highly recommended by everyone who knows her and so I finally gave her a call to ask for her assistance on this healing path.

The first thing she did was to get in my face about my work habits.  She said that my attitude toward work was the source of all of my health problems.  The degree of my denial, reaction and resistance to her statements lead me to believe that there is likely more than a small degree of truth in that.  She submitted that the sense of responsibility I feel to my work life is so intense that I actually have no life.  Truth hurts.

Being a Feminist, I am really aware of environments and their impact upon people and their actions: conscious and unconscious.  On Thursday, I was walking down the hall and ran into two of my women colleagues...both are incredibly beautiful both inside and out and we were all commenting on how tired we all felt.  Each of us looked pale and exhausted.  We all began by blaming the weather, the cold, the eternal snow and each of us longed for the sunlight and warmth of southern climes.  And then we scuttled onward into our offices to work some more.

We live in a culture of overwork;  where doing what is expected is not enough.  REALLY what is expected is that you give consistently well above what is required in your job. So I wonder, is it just the women who are overworked?  I don't really see my male colleagues 'scurrying'.  My director seems 'over-the-top' with his work.  This week on my healing path, besides making these changes, I have been reflecting on life-habits and environments that impact health and healing.

In my own life, I remember looking up to my exemplars and mentors- admiring how busy they were.  In my mind, 'busy-ness' equated with success and with being 'necessary'.  Just coming out of a divorce and the loss of my father in 1986, I was looking for meaningful work and a way to fill two very large holes in my life.  My assumptive world tilted abruptly.  So, I busied myself with learning about music therapy and worked hard to become a good therapist.  In focusing on others, I could leave my own body and my own emotions on the shelf for a while.  Others always were more important than myself and now I could get a lot of validation for this through my profession.

In my field, it is important to do your own work so as to become aware of issues that may impact your work with others.  And I have always known this to be true about myself.  When I get burned out, I clear my plate...gradually it fills again and I become ill again...and it cycles in this way.  Well, I do not know how to make it any different.  This is a part of the path that is mysterious and unknown.  Maybe recognizing my own predisposition and the environmental validation for it is enough to facilitate a change...as insight develops, the environment cannot help but shift to accommodate that insight.

This morning, I was walking from my car to the Student Center on campus.  I had agreed to represent our department in the graduate school new student fair for two hours this morning.  When my director asks you to do something, you do it.  And really, two hours out of my life is no big deal- I just sat there and smiled and greeted people. Not terribly taxing.  But as I was walking into the student center, pulling my box on wheels with all of the literature for the event, I reflected that if someone were to write my eulogy I could seriously hear someone say," Terra never said 'no' to anything or anyone".  And I could imagine that many people would see that as a good thing- something to be admired.  And I felt that epitaph sourly.  There are plenty of things that I DO need to say no to- even though this morning was a good use of my time, was pleasurable and likely the only social contact I will have all weekend.  But what about all the extras that I am asked to do that I really would NOT like to do. Things that by rights are the responsibility of others.  These things take time away from an already overwhelmed workload.

How do I balance care for myself with 'being there' for students?  And how and where did this all begin for me?  I think that this is very important work for anyone on a healing path and I will be journaling on this topic further.  Healing is more than being about food and supplements...it is also about changing the environment in which the problems grew and thrived.

Love,
Terra

Jamie Fraser's Parritch

I have tried two new gluten-free food products so far this week.  One is OK and the other is splendid.

Have you read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon?  Well, I have decided that Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Steel Cut Oats is not your mother's oatmeal...it is Jamie Fraser's Parritch!  It has been a long time since I have been this enthusiastic over a whole grain! This oatmeal won the Golden Spurtle World Porridge Making Championship held every year in Scotland.  It is the only 'non-scottish' oatmeal to have taken the grand prize.  With good reason!  To my taste, it is creamy, hearty, warming, filling and just the right combination of sweet and savory (when you make it according to my recipe).  Even though you have to wait 20 minutes for it to cook- trust me, it is worth the wait.

I live alone, and thus had to divide the recipe on the package by 4 to create a reasonable portion size for 1.
3/4 C filtered water
A bit of good salt in the water

Boil the water
Add 1/4 C of Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats
Bring to a boil, stirring
Reduce the heat to a slow simmer
Put the lid on and set the timer for 20 minutes

Every 5 minutes or so, take off the lid and stir the porridge
When there is about 4 minutes to go on the timer, drop in a small handful of organic, raw walnuts and a small handful of raisins, a bit of milk (or non-dairy milk substitute) and a squirt of organic blue agave nectar to taste.
When the timer goes off, stir again until creamy and serve.  I drop a few frozen organic boreal blueberries on top and let them thaw in the oatmeal, I don't stir anymore or it will turn purple.

This makes for a heavenly breakfast.  It is gluten free, the walnuts offer a little extra protein (the parritch alone contains 7 gm of protein) and very satisfying.  Honestly, much more so than a bagel.  And I get a little thrill out of imagining myself on the Scottish Highlands with Jamie and Claire enjoying 'parritch' by an open fire.

Portlanders will know that Bob's Red Mill factory and store are in the Portland suburb of Milwaukie.  I probably spelled that wrong, but you know what I mean.  If you make it, let me know how you like it.

The other product I tried was frozen brown rice bread.  This bread is pretty much what one imagines gluten-free bread to taste like.  Dry, powdery, bland, tough.  But it does make one feel like one is eating an actual sandwich.  And because the 'bread' takes so long to chew, one fills up on it pretty easily. It looks a little like whole wheat bread, which is psychologically comforting.  Since I LIKE having sandwiches for lunch, this works well for me. And I guess NOT loving the bread works well for me too, as I am not too keen to binge on it.

It has been 5 days gluten-free (with small cheats) and I am feeling better.  I notice that my hands are not as swollen.  The eczema on my eyelids has decreased and I just generally feel better.  I am still quite fatigued but my face isn't grey any longer and that is a relief to me to see some color coming back into my skin.

I have had some thoughts about various things- again, simply by paying attention.  This healing path has brought quite a few things to my attention and eventually I will write about some of them as I process them further.  In the meanwhile, I am grateful for the kind words- both here in the comments section and the words people have said to me personally through phone calls and email.  My sister had some very interesting and insightful thoughts, but was unable to get them onto the comment section.  I am sorry for that.  And Beth, I have been on a D-3 supplement along with others for some time now.  My new DO has got me taking quite a bit of it and I also notice that it is helpful.  Especially for those of us who live in low-light climates.

So, I hope that you enjoy your Parritch and let me know what you think!

Love,
Terra

Late Starter

I guess that I am a late starter.  I have struggled with health-related issues since I was a baby.  Some of my earliest memories are centered around being ill.  Having chest infections, being in the children's hospital through multiple admissions and being physically unfit and unable to run very far while really enjoying sports.  As a teen, there were the stomach pains and repeated mysterious infections and illnesses...and most of my doctors felt that my illnesses had a psychosocial basis.  I struggled through disordered eating as a teen.

I lived the same way most young people live and I am lucky to be alive.  Drinking, smoking, carousing, placing myself in outrageously dangerous situations.  I can only say that I must have had some very compassionate angels on my side.

At the age of 30 I relapsed badly into my eating disorder and was hospitalized- it was a very pivotal time for me as I began a healing practice that has truly endured- and that is meditation.  It was truly a healer.  Through meditation, I did come to face certain issues in my life and made really important decisions about my life and my life path.  I changed careers to a wonderful and healing work that had also endured for me...and 24 years later, I lovingly teach and mentor others in my field.  I use the word 'love' very mindfully, because it seems to be a feature of what is generated in my work- whether it is with students or clients...and I guess that love is the ultimate healer.  What seems more difficult is finding out just how to turn that kind of healing inward- in a way that does not feel narcissistic or diminishing of the needs of others.  It is such a flow- to love self and others in a balanced way.

As an adult, I have been diagnosed with a range of serious illnesses.  I am the queen of auto-immune disorders.  Diagnosed with Lupus in the early 90's, Fibromyalgia in the late 90's, Osteoarthritis, Cancer, Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Cardiac Arrhythmias, Infertility, Migraines, Allergies.  It is a revolting litany of ailments and all underscoring the fact that I seem to be in a systems failure.  With every diagnosis, I have rejected the notion of identifying with illness.  It may be a variation of denial, but for me it has always seemed important to not identify with the constructs that the doctors used to understand what was going on in my body.  That being said, as the conditions became more and more life threatening, I did need to admit the need for treatment.  So for the past several years, I have been on a variety of pharmaceuticals, as well as lifestyle modifications.

When I moved to Michigan in the summer of last year, I decided to seek out a new physician who was trained and interested in natural/ integrative approaches to health.  I wanted to find a way to reduce my need for some of these medications through natural methods.  I tried a switch to non-synthetic thyroid medication and that seems to have been ineffective...the past month has been a real struggle in terms of energy...and a number of old symptoms have crept back into my awareness- joint pain, fatigue, skin problems, etc.  Very lupus-like.

In my last visit with my D.O., she suggested to me that my symptoms are consistent with Gluten intolerance.  Oh Crap! I love bread and wheat.  The thought of releasing that from my life is not a happy one.  I bought Shari Lieberman's book The Gluten Connection on Friday night. It is a good book if you want to understand how the mechanisms of Gluten Intolerance work.  This past weekend, I spent one day plus a night gluten free and on the second day, allowed myself one gluten meal.

Paying attention to a thing is such a powerful practice.  I realized that I never really paid attention to how foods made me feel physically.  I ate to address being hungry.  I ate to address being anxious.  I ate to self-soothe.  I restricted food to control myself or to be angry with myself...but I never have paid attention to how the food I ate made me feel physically (other than to loathe it).  So it was a very interesting experience to notice feeling WORSE after my gluten meal- after around 42 hours of being gluten-free.

So, I am a late starter.  I have a litany of chronic illnesses. And I am trying to step onto a healing path.  I envision this blog as a partner on that path, and anyone who reads it, as partner-travelers.  I'm a crazy busy person, but I view this reflection time as another investment in myself and in my own health.  I am stepping on the path, not knowing where it will lead or what it will take to walk it.  And I am hopeful for the grace to continue on it courageously, for it will take courage for me.  Of that I am certain.  Even the small changes take tremendous courage.  Thanks for reading.  The healing is in the writing.
Love, Terra